Sooo, I had to take a blog break for a couple reasons. First one being, it’s summer time and there’s so much to catch up on since I’ve been pregnant for almost a year! I started surfing again and really trying to get back in shape after being out of commission since baby Q was born. The second reason? Well, because being a Mom is the hardest damn role I’ve ever had in my life and I’m just getting started. A new wave of fears have found their way into this brain of mine and I’ve needed time to face them and build up the courage to overcome them. They may sound silly to some of you, while others may be able to relate. Either way, fears are fears and they only do one thing; discourage. I’ve spent the last couple months overcoming some of my fears while others I am still dealing with.
I was not leaving the house with the baby unless I had someone with me. This was strange to me since I was such a bad-ass during my pregnancy. I was doing everything alone then and I didn’t want anyone to help me. After my bub arrived, I wasn’t confident enough to do anything alone. It eventually started to bring me down since I was only getting out of the house if my husband was around. I had to ask myself why I needed assistance. Ok, so the baby and his gear are a little heavy, but nothing I can’t handle. I mean, I used to deal with much heavier things at work. I finally realized that I was afraid. I have never been in this position before; a Mom with a new baby. The unknown was causing my fear. What if he has a meltdown at the grocery store? Or I can’t get his stroller to work or get him in and out of the car seat? Blah, blah, blah. You know, the usual, “what if” bullshit.
Quality sleep is a thing of the past and I am learning how to operate with what I can get. Most days I’m in my nursing bras and underwear, hair is a damn mess, no make-up, and if I don’t have my baby on one of my odd sized boobs (you ladies know what I’m talking about, one large one small) it’s a pump instead. It’s not the cutest look. It’s actually quite the circus. So here comes yet another fear. What if my husband is grossed out by this barbaric woman, with bags under her eyes and leaky boobs, with a side of mood swings?What if the baby consumes all of my energy and leaves very little for Mom and Dad time? What if distance comes between us since I am burned out so often and he is working so much? I know, ridiculous right? But still, the truth is, that’s the type of crap that is trying to take over my mind these days.
I started surfing again and had to ease into it. Guess why? Yup, more of that negative-ass fear. I was afraid that the water would be too cold, or that the waves would keep me under too long, or that the baby would need my milk and I wouldn’t be able to tell. And the list goes on. I had forgotten that I used to be able to deal with all of these conditions before the pregnancy and I suddenly snapped out of it. I decided to quit being a punk and just go for it. I’m so glad I did. I feel like surfing is helping me prepare for motherhood. It is teaching me to stay calm when things get crazy and it is giving me confidence each time I attempt to surf. I get a feeling of accomplishment, not to mention a hell of a workout.
So I did it. I decided that I was going to stop being afraid of being a Mom without a helper. Now when the hubby is unavailable, I am totally confident and capable of taking bub anywhere I need to go all by myself, and it’s quite empowering. We have been going on very long morning walks, I’ve been meeting friends for coffee and just exploring again, but now with my adorable sidekick. If he has a meltdown, so be it. I’ll have to deal with it at some point in our lives. If any baby equipment malfunctions, well I better learn how to figure it out, because I refuse to be the fragile mom that stays home all day. No judgment on those who choose that route, it just ain’t for me.
As far as the husband fear…well, I can either let it consume me or I can trust that I married a man that loves me for me and sees right past the disaster I am on some days. I know he does but isn’t it just so human of me to question from time to time? This is where hubby and I need to make a conscious effort to make time to stay connected and not let parenthood rob us of our love life. Each time I overcome a fear I become more confident and ready to face the next one. It gets a little easier each time.
Overall, we have been having a ton of fun getting to know our little creation. Every time he awakes from a sleep, he is more aware, more interactive, and more amazing. I’m sure there will be real shit to fear in the near future as he gets older, so these little baby fears are good practice. I would love to hear some of your fears as a parent and what your strategies are when it comes to facing them.