Party Is Over

I had always perceived the news of a baby on the way as one of the most exciting things to experience and share with the world! Why was I so afraid to tell anyone and remain in denial?  I had miscarried before, so maybe it was fear of telling everyone and then having to break the news that it wasn’t really happening at all.  Maybe it was because I did not want to accept that I had not PLANNED this and I was not in CONTROL  of when we conceived. The further along I got into the pregnancy I realized that I was simply not ready to deal with the fact that the party was over. Good bye date nights, sushi, TEQUILA, surfing, and anything else I enjoyed. That’s what ran through my pregnant head, I was not ready to stop my life and dedicate it to someone else full time. I started to become embarrassed that I was not ecstatic about the news and felt so guilty I cried for days.

Up to his point, for the first time in almost a decade I started to experience freedom.  I had been my mother’s care taker since 2008 when she had her 1st stroke. I did not get to travel or take certain opportunities due to her illnesses and it just got worse. This year was the year we got the help we needed so that I could live the life I was supposed to, then this happened. Not even a year of complete freedom, not even a full year of a honeymoon stage in my marriage, and now we have a baby on the way we were NOT ready to have.  I could sense that my husband was having the same feelings. There were many different emotions but none were happy nor excited.  I couldn’t help but feel that we had royally screwed up and our lives were going to be filled with stress and boredom.   I had no clue that I would eventually feel the way I do today and have this amazing story to tell.

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